You Don’t Need to Win - Just Regulate.

Mama, it’s late afternoon, and you’re trying to start dinner. One kid asks for another snack while the other spills juice on the floor. They are both on the verge of full-blown meltdowns, and you feel frustration rising within you. Before you know it, your voice is raising, and you're now right there with your kiddos, having a meltdown of your own, yelling at everyone to stop, go to their rooms, or maybe storm off to your room. Immediately after, the guilt sets in. You wonder, “Why did I lose it again?”  as your heart sinks as you recall your kiddo's eyes when you shouted.

You’re not a bad parent for having these moments; you’re a human one. As a mom and a parent coach, I’ve been in your shoes, and I know how overwhelming it can get. Every parent hits their limit sometimes – what matters most is what you do next. That’s where The C.A.R.E.S. Approach to Parenting™ comes in. It’s rooted in one simple idea: You don’t have to win the moment – you need to regulate it to move forward more effectively with your kiddo while maintaining a strong and connected relationship.

Catch Yourself.

“Catch Yourself” is the first skill in The C.A.R.E.S. Approach to Parenting™ that helps move you to respond vs react in parenting. You learn to notice the physical and emotional signs that your frustration is boiling. These signs could be your shoulders tensing up, jaw clenching, voice shaking when you talk, or even a sudden increase in heart rate. These are the clues for you to take a moment to pause.

The 'Catch Yourself' skill is a powerful tool in your parenting arsenal. It’s that space that allows you to take a slow, deep breath and remind yourself to stop or even step away for a moment. And that is okay if it’s needed. When you catch yourself before you explode, you’re actively modeling for your children in real time what self-control looks like in real life. This process is not about being perfect; it’s about patience and the practice of recognizing when you’re on the edge and choosing to pause instead of reacting impulsively.

In that brief moment when you “Catch Yourself,” you’re allowing your brain to switch from fight-or-flight mode back to a calmer place so you can think more clearly. When flooded with anger or panic, your brain can perceive a child’s defiance or a toddler’s tantrum as an emergency, but it’s not. By taking a moment to breathe, you send your brain and body a message: “I’m safe. I can handle this.”  You can then calm yourself down enough to remain connected with your child, even if you feel at the end of your rope. It’s a skill that takes time to navigate well in a meltdown moment, but it gets more natural with practice.

You Don’t Have to “Win” Right Now

In the heat of a power struggle, it might feel like you must “win” to prove you’re in control or that your child can’t get away with misbehavior. But consider this: if you try to ‘win’ by yelling louder or imposing a harsh consequence while you’re angry, does anyone really win? Often, both parent and child walk away feeling awful. For example, I recall a story of a Mom immediately dragging her protesting son when it was time to go to prove that when she said it was time to go, it was time to go. Sure, Mom got her way, and they went home, but there was no true winner in the long run. Neither mom nor kiddo were feeling so great when they got home. 

Here’s the truth: you don’t need to win the moment. While it can feel like it, your child’s outburst or defiance isn’t a personal attack. It means they are overwhelmed by their big emotions, including disappointment, and may have difficulty navigating and expressing themselves. One of the best ways to address this situation is by regulating the moment, not conquering it, and staying calm enough to guide your kiddo through their emotions rather than trying to control or suppress them.

When you, as a parent, can stay calm and regulated, even when things are challenging, you create the space for your child to calm down. Research shows that our emotions can be contagious. A parent’s stress can amplify a child’s distress, whereas a parent’s calm can also help a child regain calm.​

In other words, your steady presence acts like an anchor in a storm. Instead of a downward spiral where everyone’s emotions feed off each other, your calm presence can defuse the tension. Please know this does not mean you’re letting kids “win” or get away with anything; you’re choosing connection over conflict to guide them more effectively once everyone is calmer.

I often remind the moms I coach: “You don’t have to win this moment. You need to regulate it.” When you can let go of the need to have the last word or achieve instant obedience, you make room for genuine connection, teaching, and learning. The goal is not to win against your child and have control over them but rather to draw them into cooperation through firm, respectful kindness, connection, understanding, and empathy. After all, winning with connection has a more lasting positive impact than winning the argument. Remember, your child isn’t your enemy, and a regulated moment is far more valuable than a forced victory in the present moment and for your relationship in the long run.

Stay tuned for the Parenting Skill of “Assessing” in the second part of The C.A.R.E.S. Approach to Parenting™ coming soon. 

If you haven’t received my recent resource that walks you through the FIRST STEP to stop yelling, you can do so here:

Get the FREE GUIDE:  The First Step to Stop Yelling

You’ve got this!

xx

🤟🏻

Claire